Fall Colors

Took a walk with Dusty this morning. Went to the end of 8th street and found a trailer loop. Air was crisp and the trees were showing their color. It was one of Candy’s favorite paces to walk her beloved dogs.

I got to the top. You can see the top of the city and tree lines. At the top, I found the perfect spot to sprinkle some if her. She so loved those walks.

One foot in front of the other.

Grief has a way of pushing you backward. Just when you think your head will stay above water, grief stand on your head. You can feel the water fill your lungs.

My best friend, Candy, is/was my person. Over 40 years of friendship. Memories, hysterical laughter, camp trips, sports and so much more. I don’t know how to be. I’m lost. I hurt.

I have some of her shirts. They still smell like her. Someday, that too will be gone. I look at her pictures and read her writings. I miss my friend. Our stories. This sucks.

I’m not a big fan of grief at this moment. The sadness is just heavy. It exhausts me daily. It hasn’t even been 3 months and I’m lost. My person is gone. I can’t feel anything but the heavy. The weight of my new life. But how to go forward. Days I don’t want too. I miss it all. Im not whole. Today, the grief is winning.

Long drive yesterday but beautiful blue sky all the way. Lots of chats about the trip, what we saw, did and what comes next. So many emotions on my part. Random tears. Reality sucks sometimes. We unpacked then I mowed the lawn. Just needed that grounding. I’m realizing my new chapters without my best friend are going to be tough to write. Not impossible. Just different. I’m not known for my patience. Clearly this is my lesson here on earth. Maybe my lesson is understanding that when you love someone so deep and unconditional, life without their physical presence just takes a minute to adjust.

Dillon Montana is cold this morning! It’s the last trip morning before heading home today. It’s a good thing because coffee is almost out and no one wants that!

It’s hard to sum these last three weeks up in a single post. So many moving parts, emotions, pictures and directions. What I’ve learned is I can be comfortable being uncomfortable. I can be okay not being okay. I don’t always have to be strong all the time. My grief isn’t going anywhere, anytime soon. It will come in waves. Like everything else, I’ll adjust and adapt. Just like watching the colors change, and the seasons change.

Thanks Candy for pushing me, us, to still do this trip. 💕

Billings is cold this morning! Rene and I had to adjust our adventures due to rain and fog. Little Big Horn was closed due to construction. A little disappointed but looking forward to planning a make-up trip.

Our night in Wind Cave National Park in SD was most interesting. We got all settled in the trailer for the night when the rain started. Then the sky spigot went full throttle. Then came the sky BOOMS and light show. But wait, there’s more. We needed HAIL. Dusty was not pleased with the night’s festivities. I was hoping I packed enough duct tape to fix any potential issues. Anyway, it was exciting.

Driving through to Montana was a fun day of can’t see shit fog, mixed with heavy rain and can’t see shit fog. I literally have callouses on my hands from gripping the steering wheel so tight. A weather seal on one of the trailer windows picked this day to die. Water got into the trailer and a bin. Thank goodness I always have duct tape. I MacGyvered it enough to get us home.

Roughly 16 states so far on this trip. Day before yesterday we were in 75 degree weather only to have Mother Nature face plant us into 43 the next day. That hurt. This morning here in Plankinton SD, we have a freaking dense fog advisory. We did cave to the billion roadside billboards and tried to visit the Corn Palace. Very cool on the outside but couldn’t get parking that would work.

One of the things on this trip has been the Dollar General stores. Everywhere. At times, right next to a cemetery. Weird. Loved the old cemeteries. What gave me a chuckle was the houses next to the cemeteries all decked out for Halloween with their 18′ Grim Reaper and circle of witches around a black cauldron. Epic!

Yesterday marked month two that Candy passed. It’s also a little over a year since Candy and I shaved our heads on our deck. My hair is growing back now, by choice. I look in the mirror and notice this last year seems to have aged me considerably. But I also recognize the internal growth that has taken place. The internal strength I never knew was there. This trip has proven that.

We made it to Chesterton, Indiana yesterday. Reservation at The Indiana Dunes National Park. We have some missed boondocking! Mount Baldy was closed so we couldn’t walk that trail, but did walk to the water. I had never seen any of the Great Lakes! And to see Chicago skyline in the distance was awesome! Rene did good on this pick!

Interstate driving was nice. Not as many potholes. Corn fields all over but pretty flat. They could use some signs to watch for deer. Poor things don’t stand a chance.

The weather has been stellar! We are very happy about that. Still hitting 68 to 70. Sorry Boise peeps!

This trip has had its healing moments but then reality comes into play as we are heading home. My best friend is gone. The intense ache in my heart reminds me I’m on a grief journey, not a sprint. The tears again arrive.